The (private) Diary of Connie Beauchamp
by m-is-for-MollyMansfieldMealing
Summary: "...writing down your thoughts and feelings is meant to help relieve stress and worry. If this works, I'll be a best-selling authoress in no time." When her position starts to chip away at Connie's tough exterior, she turns to writing a diary to help her get through daily life as the clinical lead of Holby's Emergency Department.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a little idea I had- please do tell me what you think! I will hopefully update once a week with an entry, probably sundays :) -Sophie x**

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><p>19.9.14<p>

Dear Diary,

I was flicking through one of the mental health leaflets in Charlie's office the other day, and read that writing down your thoughts and feelings is meant to help relieve stress and worry. If this works, I'll be a best-selling authoress in no time.

I've been the clinical lead here in the ED for a month now, and things are really starting to get to me. I hate to admit it, I really do, but this job is much harder than what I expected. I don't know how Zoe coped for so long, I really don't. I mean, I did want the job, once upon a time, but by the time I got the chance to take it, the appeal had worn off. Guy urged me to take it though. He said my name in a voice full of warning when Zoe resigned that day, and how could I say no after that? I'd have been embarrassed in front of not one, but two colleagues, and that was very, very off limits.

Each day I have to wake up at 5am in order to make myself look presentable, have breakfast, get to the ED and finish paperwork, all before my shift starts at 7am. People wonder why I snap at them so often, hah, I'd like to see them have a stab at my job for a while! The doctors and nurses here have it so easy. Back in the US, they were reprimanded for the slightest thing. Here they can get away with murder.

Almost literally actually. I heard about Tess' mistake with her patient earlier in the year, and how Fletch covered for her. Neither of them were fired for it, despite the fact it broke about 15 rules.

Another thing that's starting to eat away at me is the fact that my staff don't seem to like me in the slightest. Robyn took a shine to me on my first day back, but soon went off me when I started to "show my true colours" as I've heard a few say. Zoe hates the sight of me, and the rest of the staff hate the way I've apparently treated her, so they're cold with me too. Apart from Cal, who I'm guessing is sweet on me.

Hah, he has no chance.

I'm planning a trip to St Steven's hospital for next month too, which is adding to the stress of this horrible position. By visiting a failing hospital and "offering them advice", we can apply for more funding for the ED. We desperately need more sheets, and a couple more members of staff too.

I think that's all for now. The leaflet said to only write when I was stressed or worried, so I don't know when our next meeting will be.

How the hell do you end a diary entry? Yours? Lots of love?

For now, let's have until next time?

Connie.


	2. Chapter 2

**Very short one here, but the next chapter will be a longer (and based on the crash) :D Please review letting me know what you think, and I shall update again next Sunday! -Sophie x**

**(oh and keep a note of the P.S's at the end of each entry ;) )**

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><p>2.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

It's been a while since our last get together, hasn't it? I guess I've just not had the time recently. I write this at work, sat at my desk. Today's the day we embark on our quest to earn some extra funding, and to be honest with you, I am a little nervous about it.

Imagine you were at work, happy and content, then some strangers walk in and tell you you're doing your job all wrong. You'd be a bit miffed wouldn't you? I have a feeling our entrance won't be as appreciated as Guy made out it would be on the phone. None of my staff are anticipating it either. I've stuck Ethan behind the wheel for a change, giving me a rest on the ways there and back. Lily's going to map read with my trusty copy of "All England's Nooks and Crannies", and Ash and Tess will hopefully be quiet and behave.

…

I've just been to drop off the map, and overheard Robyn moaning about how they get to go on a day out whilst she gets stuck with a burst colonoscopy bag. Ash made a snide little comment of "I'd rather deal with the colonoscopy bag" before shutting up when I walked in. Come on, that's taking it a bit too far isn't it? I bit my lip whilst I was in there to stop myself from snapping at him.

Anyway, it's time we got on the road now. I'm actually a little late- hope Ash hasn't stolen my seat in the front or there _will _be hell to pay!

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- I'm going to think of a name for you, it feels a little strange writing to a book.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's entry 3! Please review if you can and don't forget- keep a note of the "P.S"'s at the bottom of each entry! -Sophie x**

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><p>3.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

It's fair to say I have had the worst couple of days of my life so far.

Yesterday we had a serious crash on the M40, resulting in us all being injured in one way or another.

I was sat up front with Ethan, then it was Lily and Tess, then Ash at the back. A large range river came out of no-where, and before Ethan had the time to do anything, it smashed into the left side of us. We were taken completely off the road and flipped onto our side. I lost consciousness for those few minutes, whisked away by another force so I didn't have to experience the horror of the impact.

Unfortunately I had to wake up. I found myself hand off the side of my seat, with blood trickling down the side of my face. My hand was probably fractured as it killed whenever I moved it. I tried to ask how everyone was, but my voice came out no stronger than a hoarse whisper.

Tess was fine, thank God, or Charlie would have never, ever forgiven me. Lily was screaming in pain; she had lost all feeling in her shoulder and was absolutely petrified. Ash was trapped right at the back, a large piece of metal where the seat had snapped was digging into the back of his leg. He was floating in and out of consciousness, like Ethan who was trapped next to me. I felt for his pulse but it was very weak, and he didn't wake until the paramedics got there. I phones for them, injuring my arm further trying to get it, but it was a risk I was willing to take to save my team.

Jeff appeared first, running over to us.

"It's our lot!" he'd shouted, dread filling his voice, "it's our lot Dix!"

I was the only one able to get out, so I gingerly climbed out of my open (or rather smashed) window, trying not to cry out as pain shot up my arm.

I climbed down and into Jeff's arms, and very nearly broke down in front of him. He soothed me though and I managed to keep a straight face for the time being; I broke down later on.

Trying to hide my arm, I talked Jeff through everyone's conditions, and stayed at the crash until Lily and Tess were both freed. I wanted to stay until everyone was out; I was worried, you couldn't blame me, but I was more use back at the hospital, and deep down I knew it. I went back with Tess and Lily, trying to calm her down. All the way back she was screaming what tests she needed to have done, as if we were just passers-by rather than her colleagues. They always say that doctors make the worst patients, and now I see why.

Charlie cornered me when I walked in and immediately started fussing over my arm. I resisted him at first but then I gave in. I was exhausted.

With my wrist diagnosed and strapped up, I was able to start treating again- my first patient being the driver of the Landover that was brought in with Big Mac and Tamzin. I was unnecessarily sharp with him, I realise that now, but I was angry. Angry that it wasn't him who was fighting for his life rather than our driver. Charlie cornered me after, but I couldn't take it. I walked off to my office, the only place I feel remotely safe in that hospital.

As soon as I shut the door, the tears came; fast and furious, spilling down my cheeks. Placing my back against the cool wall, my legs gave way and I slid to the floor, on the verge of a panic attack. I stayed like that for about half an hour, just going over and over what had happened that morning. I gave myself enough time for my eyes to lose their puffy-ness before emerging from my office.

But it was about to get so much worse. I got a call from Dixie to say there had been an explosion and they were coming in with Ash, but it sounded like she'd been crying too.

They brought Ash in and Dixie followed behind, but there was no Jeff. I quickly realised what had happened and froze- both mentally and physically. My vision slowed and Tamzin's voice was like a foghorn in my head: "bring him back Dixie, please".

It turns out he was planning to go down on one knee when he returned, and poor Tamzin was heartbroken.

Everyone went for a drink for Jeff in the pub after their shift, but I just couldn't face it.

All this happened yesterday, but I can still see it as clear as day: the looks on people's faces when they saw Ethan, the state of the car, the deathly stillness after the immediate crash, but most of all- the heartbroken faces of my team when they left the building, and the fact they didn't even try come to me for comfort.

I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't have suggested the wretched trip out, none of this would have happened. Ethan wouldn't be bed ridden, Ash wouldn't have a limp, Cal wouldn't have had to operate on his own brother, and Dixie wouldn't be a widow.

It's my fault, it is, and no-one can convince me otherwise. Not that anyone would care enough to ask me how I was anyway.

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- made a list of names for you)


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday! Here you go! -Sophie x**

**(don't forget- keep an eye on the "P.S"'s- anyone guessed why yet?)**

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><p>8.10.12<p>

Dear diary,

Everyone at work is so subdued. It's going to take a while for thing to get back to normal, and that can't come fast enough, honestly.

Ash has been hit pretty hard by it all. I think he blames himself- if it wasn't for him, Jeff wouldn't have had to stay in the wreckage. He's been very quiet, working by himself for most of the time. Dixie's very off with him- I think she secretly blames him too.

It's Jeff's funeral later on, and again, I'm writing this at work. I'm hiding you in my bottom drawer, somewhere only I ever go, so hopefully no-one will ever find you. There's a large picture of him at the nurses station, and I've seen many of the team talking to him, laughing and smiling, trying to hold back the tears.

Everyone's ready and Tess has just been to tell me they're going. I'll write more later, no doubt.

God that was upsetting. I've just got back, didn't bother going to the reception, I was needed here.

It was very beautiful, the coffin, decorated with flowers that spelt out "Our Hero". I saw that and immediately started to tear up, though I didn't let anyone see that of course. Poor Dixie couldn't face it at first, she appeared with Ian, one of the ex-paramedics. She was very strong, but slowly breaking away, I could tell.

I have experience with that.

Their dog was there too which was a lovely little touch. It came up to me afterwards as if it could sense my upset. "Little Abs" its collar said. Hmmm, wouldn't say "little" but fair enough. It's a very lovely dog, and extremely well behaved. Makes me wish I had someone to keep me company when the cold nights draw in.

All his paramedic friends from work came, and did a little tribute with their radios. They got to "last call for paramedic collier" and the tears started to flow. "You are now off duty."-and I considered walking out- I couldn't take it.

Funerals are horrible things, but they're worse if it's someone you knew quite well. Tess broke down at the end of the ceremony, and Charlie put his arm around her and led her to the taxi. It was quite touching really.

I wish I could be there for them I really do, but I can't. I am a woman in a man's world, and I need to keep up the strong domina- though that is slowly being chipped away at as I write. When Zoe left, she told me too look after them, to care for them and to be there for them, but I can't. I hate to say it, but I wish Zoe was still here. I really, really do.

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- trying to choose between names. Got a shortlist of 7)


	5. Chapter 5

**Enjoy! Please review if you can :D -Sophie x**

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><p>12.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

Zoe's back, thanks to a few sharp words to me from Charlie. He highlighted just how much the team isn't coping, and how they need a familiar face to be there for them. I didn't want to ask her back, but I guess I had no choice.

I didn't tell anyone she was returning, I just simply put her on the rota and hoped everyone would realise so I wouldn't have to do the whole introduction. I really wasn't feeling up to it, but no-one noticed and Zoe wasn't pleased, so I did it anyway.

Everyone's eyes were on me and I immediately felt the pressure. I've always been so good with public speaking, especially in front of my colleagues, but this time it was different. All I could think of was that everyone was silently hating me, blaming me for Jeff's death. I tried not to show my nerves, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop fiddling with my hands, and inadvertently messing with my hair. I think they noticed so I made it quick and handed over to Zoe.

They were all so miserable, but when Zoe started to talk, I could see their eyes light up.

I stuck her in Ash's office, hoping she could help him get over the crash a little, but all it seemed to do was aggravate him further. It didn't help that he lost one of his patients either, despite CPR. He was in pieces, but would not let us see.

I did try to talk to him, I did, but he walked off. I know I could have gone after him but I feel it may have been too much for both of us.

I spend my evenings drinking now, gulping down the wine, trying to block everything out. The memories, the flashbacks, the consequences, all just haze, until the day after when they would come flooding back, and the cycle would start again. Work all day, drink all night.

I think Zoe's onto me. "What's wrong with you Connie?" she said when I was explaining the whole complaint debacle. "You'd have something like this wrapped up before breakfast usually. What's wrong?"

Oh Zoe, I thought, what isn't wrong would be easier to answer.

I was in the toilets earlier having a breather when she came in. "I have a feeling you didn't call me back for the team." She said, looking at me. "You called me back for you because you're not coping."

Hah. "Don't be ridiculous." I said confidently, drying my hands and leaving, hoping she didn't notice the wobble in my step as I went. Who was she to be so nosey?!

I've got to go, I have a meeting with Guy.

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- still stuck on the same 7 names.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Had a couple of requests for this to be updated which I don't usually get, so here you go! Enjoy and please review if possible :) -Sophie x **

**(P.S- don't forget to keep an eye on the p.s' at the end!)**

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><p>14.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

Dixie exploded today, according to the hospital gossips (aka our lovely receptionists and very professional porters). She and Martin had a clash by the stairs leading to his office, and she ended up screaming "It should have been you" at him as he walked away. I can't help but feel sorry for him. It was my fault, not his. Jeff was just doing his job. Martin was involved in an accident he couldn't avoid, and had an injury he couldn't help but get.

I got a call after the funeral from Grace's school saying she'd been expelled. That didn't make me feel any better, as you can probably tell. What was she thinking?! I paid a lot of money to send her to that boarding school, and for what? So she could act like a spoilt brat and get excluded? No I did not.

I'm in the process of trying to find her another boarding school. She's staying at my mother's for now as "my hours are ridiculous" (when in reality I was drinking my sorrows away and didn't want to put her in any danger).

I've seen my daughter once since I picked her up, just long enough to ask how she was and give her a good telling off. She wasn't happy about that and ended up smashing one of mother's porcelain ornaments.

Another event to add to the (increasing) list of "things that were my fault". Slowly but surely I am being buried under a mountain of worries, with no light to signal an ending. I am digging my own grave with my own shovel, and it wouldn't be long until the earth starts to fall on my coffin.

I have a feeling I might need something stronger than wine tonight.

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- got the names down to 5)


	7. Chapter 7

**If it wasn't for the reviewer that just asked me to update, I'd have forgotten about this fic yet again, so sorry about that!**

**Bit of a dark chapter here, a sign of things to come... **

**Please review if you can! -Sophie x**

**(Remember- keep an eye on the P.S's)**

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><p>20.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

I did something so stupid last night. I woke up this morning to find myself on my living room floor, with a pair of scissors next to me, and a bleeding arm.

I'd been doing well until then, but I was drunk, I had no idea what I was doing. Deep down, I have a feeling I wasn't as out of it as I thought I was when I did it though. I remember it slightly, the way my mind was swiped of any thoughts of the crash, and how it was all diverted to my wrist that was covered in beads of scarlet blood.

It's been quite mild recently, but I opted to wear a long sleeved top instead of my usual 3/4 length ones, in hope no-one would notice the scars that were beginning to form on my wrist. I walked into my department with my head held high and no fault in my step.

But deep inside, I was shaking like a leaf.

I kept myself to myself, having an admin day rather than out on the shop floor. Not much work got done though, I spent most of it sat staring into silence, occasionally snapping at my staff that came in trying to talk to me.

God, no wonder they hate me. Look what I've become! I'm truly living up to my nicknames now- "ice queen", "wicked witch" and the worst but probably the most accurate- "evil overlord".

I gave the paperwork up as a bad job half an hour ago and decided to write in here instead. Charlie's leaflet gave good advice- writing about it is helping to relieve a bit of the stress and worry, but unfortunately not all of it.

Until next time,

Yours,

Connie.

(P.S- stuck on the five names, might have whittled it down to 4, I don't know yet. I don't seem to know anything anymore.)


	8. Chapter 8

23.10.14.

Dear diary,

I've managed to refrain from hurting myself since the last time, but it's been very very tough.

You see, Grace is still acting up, and my mother decided she had had enough. She dropped her off at the hospital earlier and left her.

Poor thing. I love her dearly, I really do, she just doesn't see how important my job actually is. She thinks this whole day has been a game or a joke. I don't think she understands how to actually follow orders.

She's been shuntered around from place to place and person to person all day. No-one dare say no to me so it's pretty easy. She hung round with Lofty in cubicles, sat with Louise at reception, waited alone in my office, and blew up rubber gloves with Zoe in the staffroom.

Seeing Zoe and Grace together made my heart stir. They seemed so comfortable together. Zoe was so loving and caring with her, and Grace actually did as she was told. I yearned for a relationship with her like that, and as I stared through the window, I realised it would probably never happen. Watching them was like watching an alternate universe unfold right in front of my very eyes, one in which neither of us had any cares in the world.

I turned to see Max stood just behind me, staring in the same direction I was. It was obvious he liked her. But I could muster up only a few, irritated words.

"Am I the only one that does any work around here?"

"No, no, this wall, wow, it's so filthy." He jumped into action, his cheeks flushing as he did so.

Sigh.

Then, just to make this brilliant day so much better, Ash ended up elbowing Charlie in the face. Deliberately.

I was the one to assess his eye that began to bruise immediately.

"I mean," he spoke, flinching as I dabbed at the swollen skin, "we would be more than happy to help. We're all here for him, all he needs to do is ask for the help. We all care about him."

Oh Charlie, I thought, it's not only Ash that's losing grip on his self.

"You know where to find the ice-packs." I murmured quietly, peeling off my rubber gloves and striding out of cubicles.

The skin where my few scars were began to itch, and I rubbed at it tentatively, trying not to alert anyone's beady eyes.

I went to my office to find Grace sat on my iPad. I smiled softly and went to sit next to her. Before long, we were locked in an intense game of air hockey, laughing and shouting whenever we scored.

However. Though my face smiled, my soul was breaking, crumbling, cracking, and there was nothing I could do except accept it.

Yours, Connie.

(P.S- got the names down to 4. It's taking ages to decide.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Thankyou to the guest who reminded me to update this! I'm really ill at the minute so its very very short- I do apologise! -Sophie x**

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><p>30.10.14<p>

Dear diary,

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. My life is falling apart and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I've had Grace with me all week, but all she's done is made work as bad as home. She's been getting in the way all the time, and making me more and more frustrated. I snapped at her earlier- she came in and wouldn't leave. I was doing CPR, what was I meant to do, stop?!

"If you are not on this bed then you are not my priority!"

The words have been echoing in the back of my mind all day, over and over like a broken record. What was I becoming?

I can't be a proper mother, I can't lead my team, I can't do my job properly, so what's the point? Why am I still here?

I have to go, Zoe wants me. See you soon I imagine.

Yours, Connie.

(P.S- tough choice between three names for you now. I need it to be just right.)


	10. Chapter 10

**Update! Next chap will be the last... Please review if possible! -Sophie x**

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><p>32.10.14<p>

Dear Diary,

I drank my sorrows away again last night. I didn't know what to do. There was this little voice in my mind saying that I wasn't needed anymore, that I wasn't wanted, that I'd be better off dead. I fought it, I fought it all I could but I didn't escape unharmed. Once again, my wrists are scarred and I'm having to cover them from my colleagues.

Grace is with Sam's mother, Audrey for the time being, until I feel I can cope again.

If I feel like I can cope again, because I don't think I ever will at this rate. I'm on a hill and I'm slowly falling down, down, down.

There's no point asking for help, I know I won't get it. There's no point, if they don't want me here anyway.

Yours, Connie.

(P.S- I just have to decide between two names for you know. Which would suit you most?)


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's the last chapter! Please review I possible and thanks to all who have done throughout x -Sophie x**

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><p>1.11.14<p>

I can't do this anymore.

My life, my job- it's just too much.

I've been reported to social services for child abuse. And deep down, I know that they're actually right. All I ever seem to do is shout at her, and shout at her. She deserves better than me.

So this is it. This is my note.

No-body wants me here, I know that. Nobody cares, so I'm going to do you all a favour and leave. But before I go, there's a few things I want to say.

Firstly, to my dearest Grace. Darling, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I failed you, I really am. I love you more than anything else in the world, and I hope you have a much better life with daddy and grandma. You deserve the world my sweetheart, and I just can't give it to you. I have always loved you, and I always will. Don't worry, I'll be looking over you every step of the way.

Secondly, to Zoe. I realise now how much of a bitch I've been, and how you really didn't deserve it. You were a brilliant clinical lead, much better than me. I underestimated you and what an amazing member of the team you are. Look after them Zoe. I know you asked me to do that, but how could I when I couldn't even look after myself? They're an amazing lot, and I did care about each and every one of them. Tell Tess I'm sorry for pushing her and that she's an amazing member of the team. Tell Ash I'm sorry for putting him through everything. Tell Dixie and Ian to carry on their amazing work, and tell Rita I'm proud of her and what she's managed to achieve. Tell Lofty and Max that they're just as important to the department as anyone else, and tell Charlie that I couldn't have lasted so long without him. Tell Noel, Louise and Big Mac that they have the best people skills I've ever seen, and the ED couldn't work without them. Tell Lily she's an amazing doctor and I wish her all the best for the future, and tell Ethan he's one of the sweetest men I have ever met. And finally, tell Cal to look after this Taylor I've heard so much about. He's a good guy deep down, and he deserves happiness. That's why I never gave into his advances.

And lastly, to you- my diary, for being there for me. I've decided to name you Lola- it means "Lady of sorrows". You see, it feels like I'm talking to someone who understands, who knows what I've been going through. Lola is also what I was going to name Gracie, until Sam put his foot down.

So Lola- thankyou. For everything.

For the last time,

Yours,

Connie x

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><p><strong>So, did you get the P.S'? They were a countdown to her death!<strong>


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